Thoughts on a Road Trip, part 1

Damn, so that was a long and short 17 days. It consisted of 12 states (a few a couple of times to boot), 1 province (I could include that it was "two countries" but who considers Canada independent?),  1 World Series game, 1 heart surgery, 4 days at the AEE conference, so many friends (old and new), what I can assume was at least 100 beers, 12 hours in Topeka, 1 new 'nephew', 4000 miles on my STi, countless times I said "holy shit my life is ridiculous," many tears, 10 Whataburger Taquito's, 1 Tarrant County employee that got reamed on my behalf by the great Mr. Shawn McElyea, 66 the number of dollars it cost to finally register my jeep after not registering it for 3 years and after Shawn's call to the courthouse, 3 employees that helped me register my jeep that continually apologized for their crap service (I was told "I can't register a vehicle to a dead person") And... 44 days until a moving truck comes to take me home and away from this painful place.

The World Series was where it all started, I met my brothers Mike and Tim in Detroit and we fooled around in the city before heading to the game. It was the first time, as far as I can remember, that we have hung out as adults, only the three of us. It was awesomely powerful. Growing up, I was always so young, they were adults compared to me. Now it's different, we all have vastly different lives, but our bond as brothers is still there. I never know how well I hide my emotion, and to a certain extent I don't care if I do anymore, but LJ's birthday (October 27th, the day we went to the game) was pretty hard. I don't know if I hid it, or my brothers just took care of me, but it was a lot easier being with them. It's pretty cool having two extremely different guys have your back and want to take care of you. I know those two would do anything for me, and they both have definitely tried their best to take care of their little brother in his time of need. It's something I hope I can repay, but also pray neither have to deal with what I've had to. I remember seeing this commercial and thinking it was pretty accurate to my relationship with them. While we've become a little more vocal in our affection since Lynd's passing, it's still on par. I love those guys. Period.

KU School of Medicine Mascot

From the Series, I went to the University of Kansas Medical Center for Joe's heart surgery (that is LJ's dad). I don't want to put his stuff on blast (as the kids say), but I'll suffice it to say it went well. I'm glad I was there, even if it was very bittersweet. I should be living there, as Lyndsay Jo was slated to be in the Nurse Anesthesia program there. I wish I was living in Kansas City. I found myself looking at name badges, hoping to see "CRNA student," or something of the like. I saw a lot of students using the waiting area we were in to study. I kept dreaming of LJ doing the same, curled up in a comfy chair with the sun beating down through the huge windows. That was the kind of student she was: go find a hidey hole and study between classes, and we had actually talked about the best way for her to succeed was to just assume that she would be on campus 9-5 every day studying (reality would be that it would be much more than that, but eh, you always hope). It was comforting to have someone you care about having surgery in a place that LJ endorsed. LJ took her practice extremely seriously and for her to want to go to school there, it will always be a special place to me, and it will always have my highest esteem. On a humous note, I found out while there that I have a thing for girls in scrubs. I'm not sure there is sexier work attire...than...pajamas. I guess. I'm weird, but I blame LJ for that one. That girl could rock a pair of scrubs.

513 S Prairie View Drive... Where LJ grew Up

I'll decompress both AEE and Texas in another post, so I'll just jump to my 12 hours in Topeka. When driving to/from Madison, Wisconsin the Hendrixson's told me I'd drive right by the house Lynds grew up in. I took the time on the way back pull off the freeway and track down the house. 513 Prairie View Dr. The address was seared into my memory by LJ, as when she talked about growing up in West Des Moines, she would recite it. She always told me about how there was a bike path, and how it went under the roads so you didn't have to ride on the street, and she told me about the park down the street. I wish she was there to show me it, I saw the sights and through tears recalled her stories about growing up. After having a Maid-Rite (if you've never, you really should) I headed back to Topeka. The Topeka stop was incredibly short, eat dinner, do laundry, sleep, leave. As I was having breakfast I got that fun text that Jamie (LJ's best friend) that she procreated. I'm extremely happy for her and Jason and wish them all the best.

As I left town I went and saw J. I told her about Jamie having her kid and just talked to her for a while. While I often wish she was buried closer to me, I think for my emotional and mental health it's best she isn't. I cannot explain the otherworldly draw her grave has on me. It's like when you get magnets at that perfect distance and nothing can keep them apart, and ripping them apart you feel like you're destroying something that needs to be together. I understand why there is a cliché of widows sitting by a grave day after day. Time seems to slip away when I'm there. I wish I could say that it gets easier every time I go, but that isn't the case. Her name in brass letters takes my breath away in the worst way. This time I got mad at her again. It's a fairly common emotion for me, and I recognize it's normal, but it's still weird to tell your wife's grave "I'm still fucking pissed at you."For some reason, this trip was especially hard. Usually I squat in front of the columbarium (It's a column-esque thing with niche's for urns), and just talk to her, and as I leave I'll touch the stone covering her urn. This time was different, I just stood by her, with my head against her name-plate, I was incredibly emotional (worse than normal). It happens I guess. I think a lot of it is coming from making big decisions in my life and not having her here to vet my often poorly thought out plans. I'm trying to make her proud. I miss her.