So the cops showed up today...

So as I'm getting ready to take Seth to the bus station, I get a knock at the door. I pop down the stairs and see the officer that was here the day of Lynds' death. After stepping outside, the officer asks me for my friend Ben's phone number, as I'm looking it up I just casually ask why (Ben and his wife Janine were staying with us the night before). He then gets all officer serious face and says he needs to investigate Lynds' death further because of her toxicology screen. I don't really remember where the conversation goes from there, but I pretty much say what the hell are you talking about, I've seen her tox screen and the final cause of death. They were mutually exclusive. All she had in her system was caffeine.

My mind races, what the hell is he talking about, my wife was straight as an razor. She didn't even drink a glass of wine on her 21st. There was no way that LJ would have taken her own life, as he started to imply. He kept saying, "her death is under investigation, we'll have to investigate further and talk to the medical examiner." I replied, more than once, I've talked to Dr. Duvall and she gave me the final cause of death and a copy of the toxicology screening. At this point, he asks me "are you ok?" as i'm trembling and barely holding myself upright on the railing. I'm pretty sure I gave him a terrible look and said "Noooo." Really, you're going to imply my wife took her own life and ask if i'm ok? At some point he asks "never even marijuana?" I replied "hell no." Later he described the drugs found on this phantom tox screen as "a plethora of drugs." I remember this distinctly as he pronounced it as "Pleth-aura." As I continue to tremble and almost collapse (I've only collapsed a few times in my life, and all three times were in this officers presence...), I say "I need to call the medical examiner right now." He explains they will be in touch and he leaves. 

I go inside and brief Seth on what i'm sure he heard tidbits of through the door. Frantically I dig through my laptop bag to find the number to the ME's office. I call and leave a message. Seth had to catch a bus back down to NYC, so we leave to take him to the station (I probably shouldn't have driven in hindsight). On the drive I get a call from "blocked" and I assume it's the ME office, thank God it was. I talk to the ME and she gives me reassuring news "their crazy, I don't know what information their going off of, but I'm looking at her Tox screen and it looks like she drank a Coke." I ask her to call Farmington PD and clarify what the hell is going on. She assures me that any information regarding Lyndsay Jo would go through her office and it was in fact LJ's heart that was her cause of death. This is reassuring news and it calms my smoked nerves a little. But my mind races:

LJ wouldn't have ended her own life. LJ wouldn't have done drugs. IF she wanted to do drugs, i'm sure she would have told me. IF she wanted to do drugs, i'm sure she wouldn't have done them in excess, she was a badass nurse knowing peoples limits. IF she was going to end her own life, she would have told me somehow. IF she was going to end her own life, why would she do it mid text conversation? IF she was going to take her own life, she would have done it stealthily as to make sure I got life insurance money. IF she was going to do it, there would have been warning signs. IF she was going to do it, she wouldn't have been fresh out of the shower. She WOULDN'T do it.

It's a Diet Coke. And Ikea. LJ was happy as a clam... There is actually another picture of this same bookcase with just her hand and Coke in the picture, she thought that was an important addition. I think she may have made a comment on making sure we had something for "scale." 

I get back to Farmington and go straight to the police station. I wait what seems like forever and the officer comes out and says "The Sgt will be here in about 30 minutes, we can talk after that." I inquire if the ME office called him and he tells me that they have not, in fact, called. It's now after 5, and I lose all hope of throwing this one in the bag tonight, and start to prepare for another sleepless night. 

I get home and go to my files. LJ's family needed a copy of the autopsy as to further screen them for ARVD, and when I wrote the request, I requested a copy be sent to me. I had no plans on ever opening it, but it's one of those things you want 'Just in case'. I grab the autopsy and rip it open, flipping through it to find the toxicology report. Right at the top "Caffeine," further down it reads "The reported qualitative result for this substance is indicative of a finding commonly seen following typical use and is usually not toxicological significant."  Ok... So what the hell do the cops have that I (and the ME) don't? Did another Lyndsay Jo Chisholm die in Farmington of a drug overdose? I mean, it is a metropolis of 6000 people. 

I called Andrea and talked through it. The cops HAVE to be wrong. I have significant legal documentation proving them wrong. They wouldn't have issued final death certificates if the tox screen was at all questionable. She talked to me and calmed me down a bit until Juneau started barking, alerting me that someone was in the yard. 

I invite the cops in, it seems super serious, we're all on edge. We sit down at my dinner table and I set the autopsy report opened to the toxicology report in front of me. The sergent remarks "you have the same report we do." Interesting... Cause i've read it, and it says she drank a Diet Coke. At this point they explain to me that they misread the report and this was only the second time they have used this lab. After it lists what was in her system, it lists what they screen for, as well as the tolerances. They read this as being what was in her system. In their defense, I misread it the first time too, but you know, figured it out, cause I can read. I talk with the officers for perhaps 10 minutes just listening to them apologize and talking about what was her cause of death. They actually brought me a copy of the fax they got from the ME saying she died of ARVD. Really? You think I didn't know as soon (probably sooner?) as you did, a few weeks ago?

After they leave, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. LJ loved life, she loved me, she loved her future as a CRNA, she loved her family and Juneau. The idea that someone would question that crushed me. Thank God it was only a few hours of painful wondering. I think the only thing that saved me from being totally unfathomably pissed was how sorry they were, and the fact that it was the same officer that was here the night LJ passed away. I give him great credit, he dealt with me in my absolute worst hour with professionalism, care and compassion. At one point, he actually picked me up off my kitchen floor and got me into a chair. I know making fun of podunk police forces is easy, and in many cases (like today...) they seem like Barney Fife, but on the 3rd of January, he excelled and was an amazing human doing an often thankless job. I made sure to let his boss know that as we were sitting in my dining room tonight. 

I miss you JJ.

So...I had planned on trying to make my post today not depressing or crazy. Yeah, that worked out. Maybe next time i'll tell the Lenscrafters story or maybe about the time LJ tried to eat the last mint she had previously offered me. For tonight, i'm gonna drink a beer and try to keep breathing...

PS: I talked to a few people tonight in my stupor. You all know who you are, Thank you.