So the cops showed up today...

So as I'm getting ready to take Seth to the bus station, I get a knock at the door. I pop down the stairs and see the officer that was here the day of Lynds' death. After stepping outside, the officer asks me for my friend Ben's phone number, as I'm looking it up I just casually ask why (Ben and his wife Janine were staying with us the night before). He then gets all officer serious face and says he needs to investigate Lynds' death further because of her toxicology screen. I don't really remember where the conversation goes from there, but I pretty much say what the hell are you talking about, I've seen her tox screen and the final cause of death. They were mutually exclusive. All she had in her system was caffeine.

My mind races, what the hell is he talking about, my wife was straight as an razor. She didn't even drink a glass of wine on her 21st. There was no way that LJ would have taken her own life, as he started to imply. He kept saying, "her death is under investigation, we'll have to investigate further and talk to the medical examiner." I replied, more than once, I've talked to Dr. Duvall and she gave me the final cause of death and a copy of the toxicology screening. At this point, he asks me "are you ok?" as i'm trembling and barely holding myself upright on the railing. I'm pretty sure I gave him a terrible look and said "Noooo." Really, you're going to imply my wife took her own life and ask if i'm ok? At some point he asks "never even marijuana?" I replied "hell no." Later he described the drugs found on this phantom tox screen as "a plethora of drugs." I remember this distinctly as he pronounced it as "Pleth-aura." As I continue to tremble and almost collapse (I've only collapsed a few times in my life, and all three times were in this officers presence...), I say "I need to call the medical examiner right now." He explains they will be in touch and he leaves. 

I go inside and brief Seth on what i'm sure he heard tidbits of through the door. Frantically I dig through my laptop bag to find the number to the ME's office. I call and leave a message. Seth had to catch a bus back down to NYC, so we leave to take him to the station (I probably shouldn't have driven in hindsight). On the drive I get a call from "blocked" and I assume it's the ME office, thank God it was. I talk to the ME and she gives me reassuring news "their crazy, I don't know what information their going off of, but I'm looking at her Tox screen and it looks like she drank a Coke." I ask her to call Farmington PD and clarify what the hell is going on. She assures me that any information regarding Lyndsay Jo would go through her office and it was in fact LJ's heart that was her cause of death. This is reassuring news and it calms my smoked nerves a little. But my mind races:

LJ wouldn't have ended her own life. LJ wouldn't have done drugs. IF she wanted to do drugs, i'm sure she would have told me. IF she wanted to do drugs, i'm sure she wouldn't have done them in excess, she was a badass nurse knowing peoples limits. IF she was going to end her own life, she would have told me somehow. IF she was going to end her own life, why would she do it mid text conversation? IF she was going to take her own life, she would have done it stealthily as to make sure I got life insurance money. IF she was going to do it, there would have been warning signs. IF she was going to do it, she wouldn't have been fresh out of the shower. She WOULDN'T do it.

It's a Diet Coke. And Ikea. LJ was happy as a clam... There is actually another picture of this same bookcase with just her hand and Coke in the picture, she thought that was an important addition. I think she may have made a comment on making sure we had something for "scale." 

I get back to Farmington and go straight to the police station. I wait what seems like forever and the officer comes out and says "The Sgt will be here in about 30 minutes, we can talk after that." I inquire if the ME office called him and he tells me that they have not, in fact, called. It's now after 5, and I lose all hope of throwing this one in the bag tonight, and start to prepare for another sleepless night. 

I get home and go to my files. LJ's family needed a copy of the autopsy as to further screen them for ARVD, and when I wrote the request, I requested a copy be sent to me. I had no plans on ever opening it, but it's one of those things you want 'Just in case'. I grab the autopsy and rip it open, flipping through it to find the toxicology report. Right at the top "Caffeine," further down it reads "The reported qualitative result for this substance is indicative of a finding commonly seen following typical use and is usually not toxicological significant."  Ok... So what the hell do the cops have that I (and the ME) don't? Did another Lyndsay Jo Chisholm die in Farmington of a drug overdose? I mean, it is a metropolis of 6000 people. 

I called Andrea and talked through it. The cops HAVE to be wrong. I have significant legal documentation proving them wrong. They wouldn't have issued final death certificates if the tox screen was at all questionable. She talked to me and calmed me down a bit until Juneau started barking, alerting me that someone was in the yard. 

I invite the cops in, it seems super serious, we're all on edge. We sit down at my dinner table and I set the autopsy report opened to the toxicology report in front of me. The sergent remarks "you have the same report we do." Interesting... Cause i've read it, and it says she drank a Diet Coke. At this point they explain to me that they misread the report and this was only the second time they have used this lab. After it lists what was in her system, it lists what they screen for, as well as the tolerances. They read this as being what was in her system. In their defense, I misread it the first time too, but you know, figured it out, cause I can read. I talk with the officers for perhaps 10 minutes just listening to them apologize and talking about what was her cause of death. They actually brought me a copy of the fax they got from the ME saying she died of ARVD. Really? You think I didn't know as soon (probably sooner?) as you did, a few weeks ago?

After they leave, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. LJ loved life, she loved me, she loved her future as a CRNA, she loved her family and Juneau. The idea that someone would question that crushed me. Thank God it was only a few hours of painful wondering. I think the only thing that saved me from being totally unfathomably pissed was how sorry they were, and the fact that it was the same officer that was here the night LJ passed away. I give him great credit, he dealt with me in my absolute worst hour with professionalism, care and compassion. At one point, he actually picked me up off my kitchen floor and got me into a chair. I know making fun of podunk police forces is easy, and in many cases (like today...) they seem like Barney Fife, but on the 3rd of January, he excelled and was an amazing human doing an often thankless job. I made sure to let his boss know that as we were sitting in my dining room tonight. 

I miss you JJ.

So...I had planned on trying to make my post today not depressing or crazy. Yeah, that worked out. Maybe next time i'll tell the Lenscrafters story or maybe about the time LJ tried to eat the last mint she had previously offered me. For tonight, i'm gonna drink a beer and try to keep breathing...

PS: I talked to a few people tonight in my stupor. You all know who you are, Thank you. 

How not to deal with me, Mr. Stranger.

Ok, so this one topic is probably one of the main reasons I started to want to write about what its like to be me. This one may, at some point, be a bit sensitive.

Conversations with strangers and acquaintances have been interesting since J died. Inevitably, no matter what the topic of discussion, it often comes out that I recently lost the love of my life. Sometimes it's because I can't deal and it just comes out because I say whats weighing on my mind; sometimes its because i'm flakey and I hate being that way, so I use my only explanation; often it's "why are you in New England," and other times it's the whole reason i'm in the conversation. I try to be as cordial and non-confrontational as possible, and i'm really not looking for people to feel bad for me. Most of the time it's me trying to get people to "use kid gloves," as my father in law would say. If I don't understand, need you to repeat something, seem like a flake, or just daze off, it's because at that moment, my life sucks more than most people can comprehend.

This brings me to what responses I get, what I think is appropriate, and what most jackasses say. Here is an example of a "good" conversation about my loss.


Me: I recently lost my wife.
Stranger: I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that must be like.
Me: I appreciate it, there is nothing anyone can do about it now. 
Stranger: So...how about them Bears?

Notice that discussion about my trauma ends? I did too. Also notice I classify this as good. Do I want to tell you, Mr. Stranger, anything else about it? No, i'm just looking for you to understand the frame of mind of your conversation partner. I've also come to realize that in our society there is no really good way for this to come up, nor are words really helpful. Words like "sympathy," "condolences," "I'm sorry," all mean something, and I truly appreciate the sentiment, but there really is not a good way to deal with this subject.

Now lets get to the jackassery. I don't think people mean to be this way, and I think the majority of it is purely human curiosity, but honestly think of what you say to someone who has had trauma/ egregious loss... So here is an example of this type of exchange...

Me: I recently lost my wife.
Stranger: I'm sorry for your loss.
Me: I appreciate it, there is nothing anyone can do about it now. 
Stranger: How did she die?/Was it expected?/Did she have cancer?/What happened?
Me: I just came home from work and found she had passed.
Stranger: How did she die?/Was it expected?/Did she have cancer?/What happened?
Me: blah blah blah

Notice in discussion with the jackass they keep asking questions. This can sometimes keep going, and I understand Mr. Guy at the Bank you are curious, but keep shit professional and leave me alone. If you knew LJ, I probably wouldn't mind talking to you, but...you didn't, you're just being a curious selfish prick. 

I'll annotate what happens to me during this conversation.

Me: I recently lost my wife. (I still flinch at saying these words, no matter how many times they have come out of my mouth.)
Stranger: I'm sorry for your loss. (Stock response, no big deal. Oh wait...shit, you're that guy aren't you. At this point I start to try and defend myself as best as possible and create distance, give the blank look devoid of emotion (because i am...), try to steer conversation away from the inevitable.) 
Me: I appreciate it, there is nothing anyone can do about it now. (This is where the "fuck you's" or just plain "fuck"'s start...over and over...fuck you buddy, fuck you buddy, fuck fuck fuck- You're going to ask aren't you?)
Stranger: How did she die?/Was it expected?/Did she have cancer?/What happened? (Yup, you're that guy...)
Me: I just came home from work and found she had passed. (This is my stock response, it is in fact what happened. HOWEVER, when I say these words I will inevitably relive knocking on my bathroom door to no response and opening it to find that my worst nightmare had become reality. Sometimes, it is just a passing flashback, other times...it is everything down to not being able to get 911 to dial until the third or fourth try because I was trembling so bad and the send key on LJ's iPhone wasn't big enough and I kept dialing the * and  # and not "Send" (I saw her phone laying next to her and it was my first thought to use it, not my iPhone in my pocket). Sometimes it's my gorgeous brides face after I uncrumpled her... Yeah...Mr Jackass, thanks for helping me relive the moments that are in my head 75% of the time, today, you made it 85%, thanks.) 
Stranger: How did she die?/Was it expected?/Did she have cancer?/What happened? (This is were you find the characteristic glazed over look come into play. At first it was involuntary, I've come to perfect it lately and let it take me to the point of almost losing it, but not quite. It's a pretty sweet defense. At this point, after the first question I'm really just reliving that day)
Me: blah blah blah (This is were I start to turtle up and one word answers are all you're going to get. You see little kids put their arms and legs inside of a jacket...yeah, I wish adults could do that.)


I'm sure there is more to it, but for tonight i'm hanging it up. Please know if you ask me these questions, and you and I, or you and Lyndsay Jo had a personal relationship, I don't mind talking about it. And for all the people who have asked me and I haven't responded: Arrhythmogenic Right Ventricular Cardiomyopathy. Check it out at AVRD.com.

So Here Goes...

So...I don't know much about this blog crap. I know LJ sure loved to read the musings of others and seemed to really enjoy updates on people's lives in sites like I imagine myself creating. The reality is that this may just be a week-long distraction from what my life has become.

I guess I should start in true teacher fashion by stating my objectives. My objective for this space is really for me to get the crap swirling in my head out. I see this space as a place for me. If you read it, rad, I hope you're entertained or something. If I offend/disturb/bother you, see my first objective. As LJ would tell you, I'm "kinda abrasive," and unfortunately for you (and me in general, and especially in my social interactions...), she isn't here to temper and guide my maligned personality; so again see objective numero uno. My second and much less important objective is for the people who surround me to have one more way to check up on me. I recognize how easy it is for me to become an island, and i'm trying to fight the urge to turtle the hell up and avoid everybody and everything.

As for some of the things I think I'll write about... Family and friends of LJ: I will try to warn you if more sensitive parts of our relationship/her death/my life are going to be talked about. I can't imagine I'll post anything too bad, but again, I'm an abrasive asshole sometimes, and when i'm emotional/exhausted (see: almost always) I have less of a filter than normal.

So...Yeah, I guess this is how I'll start this thing. Word.