I have started to realize that I occupy this weird space in the world. By 27, it appears you fall into what I've started to recognize as two distinct patterns: being single, or being with someone. One builds infrastructure around this pattern. Some have a single life; one where you hang out with other single people, do things on your own time, understand how the world runs when your actions only effect you, you guide yourself, and your interactions with those that love and care for you are distinct. The other life, one where you create a life with someone else is vastly different; you hang out with couples, your daily routine is often created and modified with someone else in mind, every action you take effects two people, you have a constant guidance system, and your interactions with loved ones are often muted.
So where do I fit in? I was asked recently if I was married. What is the answer? I said..."well...kinda..." and then went into my canned "my wife passed away" monologue that I've become much better at dealing out and dealing with. I've realized that the social infrastructure I have is that of a married person, specifically from a married couple that thrived on the adventure of education and goals. This means that in the place I've ended up (New Hampshire), the relationships I've built are built on the premise of the fleetingness of graduate student reality. Had life not taken the unexpected turn it did, LJ and I would have just been part of that system, get your degree and get the hell out. We'd be in Kansas by now. So now, as my social structure has mostly dissolved, I find myself floundering in a totally new world, all without any idea of what my infrastructure should be and should look like. I would say I have trouble navigating this world, but to navigate, one must have a rudder. I feel as though I float, unknowing what to do or where to go, all without any real goal. Whats worse is that, while I have loving friends and family, I no longer have a confidant. I am a fairly private person, so talking to people about my problems/goals/issues is hard and I hate it when people pry, so I get agitated. It used to be that people didn't worry about me because J always took care of me. Now a lot of people get worried about me and want to know every detail of my life, things that I like to keep to myself, and therefore it irritates me. I fight with the reality that I have to decide which one of my friends is my "Emergency Contact" at any given point on any given form. I fight with the fact that, as an outdoor educator especially, whenever I go hike/bike/kayak someone should know where I'm going and when I'll be back, but I don't really have that. My boy Steve has been this lately, but I hate to bother my friends if it's not convenient.
I've always had a direction. First it was to graduate high school, then it was go to college. I met Lyndsay Jo my first month of college, and then she became my goal. From that point on, I always had my rudder. If you haven't heard me explain how I passed my classes, it went like this: "Matt, you need to go home, I have to study" and I would reply "The hell am I going to do at my house?" and LJ would reply "I don't know...maybe actually do homework or study?" And then there would most likely be some derogatory comment about Education majors vs. Nursing majors. And thus I passed my classes, because LJ kicked me out of her room. So after attaining my goal of getting married and graduating college, it was our goal to hang out and be married for a while. On the first of January 2009, Lynds and I had the "Whats next?" conversation and a few months later, we were living out my dream of going to UNH for my masters. After that was LJ going to school, she got into KU and was supposed to start in May.
So all of a sudden... What the hell am I supposed to do? Go back to teaching? Try and fight the Department of Defense for funding and the access to publish? Buy an RV and drive around for a while (This is seemingly making the most sense right now...)? Where do I belong? I'm fairly certain it isn't in New Hampsters. The possibility of a job in Michigan came up today, but do I want to start all over? Is Michigan my home? Ones personal decision making flow relies on some sort of loop counter: "if all else fails default to..." for single people, this often is someone they trust, or perhaps their gut (this is purely conjecture, I have no idea how to navigate this landscape...), while persons in relationships have their confidant to go "what the HELL am I supposed to do?" I have no idea how to negotiate this minefield. I always looked to LJ, who in the words of my friend Gabe "was way smarter, more level headed, more grounded and way better looking" than myself. On a side note, I used to tell J that I married up, and she always got kind of upset, but sorry babe, I did.
Another hard part of the situation I'm in is what is right and what is wrong, and the feeling of living for me, or living for J, or living to honor her? I constantly ask myself "Who am I living for?" and "What would JJ think?" I worry a lot about Caleb, LJ's little brother, in this way too. (Sorry bud, I know you are probably going to read this...hopefully it's not too weird) I hope he lives his life for himself and doesn't feel the pressure to do what he thinks J would have wanted, and that no exterior pressure influences him. I know we (LJ's parents and myself) have tried very hard not to put our hopes and dreams for Lynds onto him. I hope this continues, because I know the pressure to do right by LJ as her husband, I can't imagine being her little brother. She may have been tiny, but those are some massive shoes to fill, and shoes she wouldn't want filled, but instead footprints she would want next to hers in excellence.
So this feels weird, but... what is right and wrong? I have no idea, but i'm sure every critic in my life would show up if I made a wrong decision on this one. I'm 27, and miss intimacy. Not only sexual intimacy (don't get me wrong...) but just the feeling of closeness, the idea that if I have a knot in my back I would have someone to fix it (she often would just know and fix this knot in my back that is pervasive and where I hold my stress), waking up next to someone, someone to go to the movies with (I went by myself last night... that was a new low...), someone to put sunscreen on my back, someone to snuggle on the couch with, just someone to spend time with who cares about you in *that* way. I can't imagine anyone being near what LJ was in my life, but it doesn't mean I don't miss and want that feeling of closeness. Eh...It is what it is, I guess.
