Its been a while

So, its been a while since I posted. I think about posting a lot, but often try to occupy my time in other ways. I think this is, in psychology, what we call avoidance... but, eh, whatever. I avoid much bigger things, so avoiding writing online isn't the worst thing. And self awareness that I'm avoiding is also important, so F it, whatever.

Its been a little over four months since LJ passed away. I think I've hit the point when people start to think I should be back to "normal." This may make sense to them, and I wish I felt normal sometimes. The reality is that LJ being gone is constantly in the forefront of my mind. Some days as I'm driving home, I still think about calling her and letting her I know I'm almost there. Other days, I wake up from a nap on the couch and think about making dinner for both of us. Lately, as the Big Bang Theory is on TV, I will close my eyes and imagine singing the theme song with her. I guess the point is, LJ being gone is still fresh.

It's funny, having dedicated my life to education in one form or another, seeking knowledge and how things/people work has always been paramount. In this way, I have spent a lot of time researching grief. As if having a theoretical understanding will help with the practicality of my dealing with her loss. I've come to realize/theorize I don't really believe in "stages" of grief, I think they are more like tenants of grief. Some days I'm still in shock, other days I scream at her for dying on me, and still others I have hope for the future. They come in no real order or predictable pattern, but all "tenants" are present. I guess this is just the "theory informs practice" we always talked about in grad school.

LJ was so proud of her little brother. This pic was almost a year ago today.
I'm excited to see the little punk on Saturday! 

I've also hit another interesting barrier in my life: Interactions with friends and acquaintances that I haven't seen or talked to since before Lynds passed away. This came up for the first time when the mountain bike park opened. People I haven't seen or talked to since last fall are all of a sudden in my life again. It becomes this weird thing for me, and maybe them as well. Do they know? Do they want to know? Are they afraid to say something? Should I say something? It's especially weird because I read too far into any interaction, because I know what happened, and I constantly wonder if they know. I'm dreading this a bit when I head home for our anniversary, since Petoskey is small and as far as I know, my family is the only Chisholm family, and Lyndsay Jo's obituary was in the paper there. I guess I just beg this of future interactions with people I haven't seen/talked to (and anyone you know that has had something like this happen to them...): Just say something about my loss. Just "I heard, i'm really sorry," or "it sucks what happened." It takes the pressure off of me wondering if you know, or if I should bring it up.

My life isn't all bad though. I do have a lot of blessings and cool things. One is the car, if you haven't heard of or seen my baby, I'll post a pic. Its a 2011 Subaru WRX STi, my other dream car. I now have both of my dream cars. Your garage is jealous of mine, trust me. I have also mostly finished the basement, a project that J and I really wanted to get done. A good friend from work has made it what seems like a personal pet project to finish the damn thing, not to mention all the help my brother gave me when he was here. I find the need to say how loved I feel. I have amazing people in my life, most willing to listen to my sorrow, happiness, crazy ideas, etc. Thank you, I hope you know who you all are. I guess i'll finish with some random musings...

1. LJ must have dusted our house a ton, and I never noticed. Seriously, there is a lot of dust up in here. 
2. LJ had a lot of chapstick/lipstick/lip gloss. Holy crap. There is at least one or two in every cubbyhole, jacket, and purse she owned. 
3. Ipads are as cool as LJ thought they were. I didn't think we needed one, but promised her an iPad 3 when she got into grad school. She never got the chance to buy one, so I fulfilled that promise. 
4. The new YOLO thing pisses me off and kinda strikes a sore nerve. 
5. LJ loved the original version, I think she would have liked this one more: Airplanes part II
6. Lyndsay Jo would have loved this song and video. I'm really pissed she never had the chance to see it. Somebody I Used to Know WOTE